 10/05/2011 07:56 AM
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moosejaw
Posts: 974
Joined Forum: 09/15/2011
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A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
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Ring...BOOM...snow. -Hatrick Penry
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10/06/2011 06:02 AM
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bob3000
Posts: 15050
Joined Forum: 07/13/2004
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A South African, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Canadian walk into a bar.
The bouncer says, "Sorry, guys: I can't let you in without a Thai."
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Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
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10/06/2011 06:38 AM
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GsusSurfs
Posts: 760
Joined Forum: 03/15/2011
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What's underneath the Pillsbury Dough Boy's apron?
doughnuts
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Jesus invented surfing...
Matthew 14:22-33
www.facebook.com/churchonthebeach
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10/06/2011 10:10 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5719
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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CONDOM HISTORY
Interesting piece of history!
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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01/08/2012 12:27 PM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks “What’s this?”
She replies “A cock.” He decides that she is obviously not pure enough.
A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies “A cock”.
He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first, but, oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won’t go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, “What is this?”
She giggles and says “A pee-pee” He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says “That’s your pee-pee.” He finally breaks down and says “Look this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.”
She laughs and says “No it’s not silly, a cock is 12 inches long and black.”
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10/09/2011 01:27 PM
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Brujo
Posts: 3488
Joined Forum: 04/22/2011
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
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Yo no estoy casado.
Pero mi esposa esta casada.
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10/21/2011 09:58 AM
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Brujo
Posts: 3488
Joined Forum: 04/22/2011
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held unto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
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Yo no estoy casado.
Pero mi esposa esta casada.
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11/12/2011 03:51 PM
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JBSURF
Posts: 2125
Joined Forum: 10/11/2004
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
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I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid!
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12/29/2011 12:47 PM
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Brujo
Posts: 3488
Joined Forum: 04/22/2011
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The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six places he's never even heard of. The husband is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit desperately, "but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUGGING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUGGING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUGGING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ICEHOLE?!!"
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Yo no estoy casado.
Pero mi esposa esta casada.
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11/17/2011 09:46 AM
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Brujo
Posts: 3488
Joined Forum: 04/22/2011
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| A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you." |
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Yo no estoy casado.
Pero mi esposa esta casada.
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11/26/2011 08:24 PM
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turning japanese
Posts: 189
Joined Forum: 06/15/2006
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What's green and slimy and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frog's finger.
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11/30/2011 01:34 PM
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Brujo
Posts: 3488
Joined Forum: 04/22/2011
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| A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old. the moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female. |
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Yo no estoy casado.
Pero mi esposa esta casada.
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12/06/2011 09:53 AM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.
Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
Well, after having far too many beers, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before.
I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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12/12/2011 08:57 AM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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Golf on Christmas Morning?
Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course,
meet his pals and play a round.
His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority;
figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the backside and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf," and all she said was,
"You'll need a sweater."
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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12/19/2011 06:25 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.
Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.
Husband: Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop.
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12/25/2011 08:00 AM
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Streets
Posts: 4476
Joined Forum: 01/17/2011
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A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He weighed twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
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12/28/2011 06:36 AM
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Streets
Posts: 4476
Joined Forum: 01/17/2011
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The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
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01/05/2012 06:24 AM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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01/08/2012 12:26 PM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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01/20/2012 07:24 AM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"
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02/05/2012 09:41 AM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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Ham Sandwich
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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02/06/2012 10:55 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled
from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him
to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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02/06/2012 01:11 PM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine fighter pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
“Can you start tomorrow?”, asked the boss.
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07/30/2012 08:59 AM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
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07/30/2012 03:27 PM
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artman
Posts: 576
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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Said one saggy boob to the other; " We better perk up or people will think we're nuts "
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07/31/2012 09:37 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow.'
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08/02/2012 08:47 AM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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I was sitting at a long stoplight on Michigan ave in Dearborn yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
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08/04/2012 01:09 PM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
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12/12/2012 09:26 AM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn".
"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward', anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."
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"
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12/17/2012 05:11 PM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can
go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
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"
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12/24/2012 11:54 AM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis
and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a
buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got
completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact
he
feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve
oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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08/16/2012 07:18 AM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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08/16/2012 07:23 AM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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09/20/2012 01:04 PM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I
deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers. The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Karma?" The Buddhist passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Muslim's turn who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Muslim happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
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09/21/2012 04:45 PM
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GreenLantern
Posts: 1441
Joined Forum: 10/02/2007
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My divorce was messy because there was a child involved - My husband.
The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness.
"What did the accused do when he learned the jewelry was part
of a stolen hoard?" he demanded.
"He did what any honest man would do," said the witness.
"And what was that?"
"I didn't think you'd know."
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09/21/2012 04:49 PM
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GreenLantern
Posts: 1441
Joined Forum: 10/02/2007
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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy some surfers.
The younger one licks his lips and makes a beeline for them.
"Just a minute," says his father, stopping him.
"First we swim around them with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they do.
"Now we swim around them a few times with all out fins showing."
And they do.
"Now we eat everybody."
When they are both gorged, the son asks, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them
when we first saw them?"
"Because they taste better without all the poop inside."
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09/25/2012 05:44 AM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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Rules Of The South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself
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09/26/2012 11:24 AM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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09/26/2012 11:43 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5719
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.
THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE HEADS OF LETTUCE.
THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER.
THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT.
WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER, 'SOME ASSHOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.'
AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED, 'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.'
THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY.
LATER, THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY,
'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION EARLIER. WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'
'GREENBAY, WISCONSIN , SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.
'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY?' THE MANAGER ASKED.
THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP THERE.'
'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY.'
'NO SHIT?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY?'
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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11/05/2012 08:07 AM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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I cant wait until they can put wings on humans. When they can put wings on humans, they can put wings on pigs, and when they can put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.
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11/13/2012 11:27 AM
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jdbman
Posts: 12202
Joined Forum: 07/28/2003
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The Mob Bookkeeper
A mob Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so that if it ever came up he would not testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido the bookkeeper he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer: "Ask him where the money is"
The lawyer using sign language asks Guido: "where is the money?"
Guido signs back " I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather:" he says he does not know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and Says: " Ask him again or I'll kill him."
The lawyer signs to Guido: "He will kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido is shaking and signs back: " OK OK, don't shoot, the money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house"
The Godfather asks the lawyer: " What did he say?"
The lawyer replies: " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off.
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11/14/2012 10:19 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk in the road and dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks before the skunk.
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11/19/2012 07:36 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5719
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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11/19/2012 11:01 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"
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11/21/2012 04:20 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
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12/10/2012 06:51 AM
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bus
Posts: 4620
Joined Forum: 10/01/2007
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A drunk was sitting at a bar and was drinking too much beer. He started to get mouthy and obnoxious and he turned to his right and said: Everyone sitting to the right of me is ugly. He then turned to the left and said: Everyone sitting to the left of me is crazy. Well this one fellow sitting to the left of him was very irritated with this insult and he said: Sir I beg your pardon , I am not crazy. Then the drunk looked at this fellow though his bloodshot eyes for a minute and said: Hey buddy, get on the other side
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02/11/2013 10:03 AM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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I was at the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking to each other while standing at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
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02/13/2013 09:19 AM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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02/13/2013 09:27 AM
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tuberidecity
Posts: 524
Joined Forum: 07/29/2004
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Wow Tahoe. Nice fat joke. Is that like making fun of yourself?
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03/04/2013 11:58 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor, "Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."
The hotel manager replies "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not inerfere."
The husband responds "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."
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03/11/2013 10:35 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5719
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out , smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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04/18/2013 11:15 AM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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04/22/2013 10:59 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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A priest and
a rabbi are quietly sitting next to each other on a plane each tending to their
scriptures. The rabbi pauses for a
minute as if in deep thought. >>
Then after a moment he says to the priest "Tell me father is
it still a requirement that members of the Catholic priesthood maintain
lifelong celibacy?">>
"Aye, it tis. It is
our sworn oath" replies the priest.>>
"That's a pity" says the rabbi, and they both quietly
continue their reading.>>
A little while later the priest says "Rabbi is it also still
a requirement of your faith not to eat pork?">>
"It certainly is. It
is the word of God." responds the rabbi and each goes on reading again.>>
After quite some time the rabbi pauses from his studies
again and says "Father I don't mean to pry into your faith but...">>
"Please by all means." says the priest. "We are both honest men of the cloth with
nothing to hide.">>
So the rabbi continues "I was simply wondering if you've ever
given into temptation of the flesh and strayed from your convictions?">>
"Aye, only once at my first parish, may the lord forgive
me. I was young and she was such a
lovely lass that I simply could not withstand the temptation. " he replies.>>
The rabbi quietly chuckles to himself as if suppressing
a deep belly laugh and says "Sure beats the hell out of a ham sandwich doesn't
it?"
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06/06/2013 02:32 PM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes".
"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"
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01/17/2013 05:59 PM
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McLean
Posts: 2340
Joined Forum: 09/19/2012
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On January 9, 2012, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, George Meeker, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Even to this day, the onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
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02/10/2012 01:33 AM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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02/13/2012 10:11 AM
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Zeus
Posts: 1401
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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A husband say to his wife..... "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She says...."I would take half of your winnings, then leave you forever."
"Excellent," he replies...."I won 12 bucks, here's your $6, now get the hell out."
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03/28/2012 01:11 AM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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02/15/2012 08:22 PM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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Copy to follow (graphic wouldn't work)
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02/21/2012 07:41 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5719
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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02/22/2012 01:46 PM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this beautiful antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its delicately polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly,
the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"CRAP!" said Claude.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back.
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03/09/2012 05:59 AM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live"
"Ten" replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine"
Edited: 03/09/2012 at 02:01 PM by MaloTurista
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03/09/2012 07:38 AM
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bob3000
Posts: 15050
Joined Forum: 07/13/2004
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way to FAIL on the NO POLITICS rule for this part of the forum, streets-tawhore-bad tourist troll! 0/5 - and take a lap.
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Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
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05/03/2012 06:47 AM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE ON? Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
"The clerk replied……………………… "Because you're in Home Depot."
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05/04/2012 06:19 AM
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MaloTurista
Posts: 1840
Joined Forum: 01/03/2012
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Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, 'So, where yall from?'
The Yankee replies, 'I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.'
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, 'So, where yall from, bitch?'
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06/16/2012 12:36 PM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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A married couple walked in to a Jamaican sandal shop. The proprietor said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!'
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06/19/2012 05:22 AM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde female and a blonde male?
A: The blonde female has a much higher sperm count.
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06/20/2012 07:12 AM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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Subject: FW: Who's yo' daddy?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy?
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Moesha was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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06/20/2012 07:18 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5719
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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CALIFORNIA:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is
natural.
He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS :
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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07/07/2012 02:40 PM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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Women! Bitch, bitch, bitch......Women always claim that giving birth is WAY more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, they're wrong, and I can prove it.
A year or so after giving birth many woman will say “It would be nice to have another child”.
Have you ever heard even one guy say, “It would be nice to get kicked in the nuts again”?
Case closed!!!
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07/14/2012 06:35 AM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed.
The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.
All he says is, All lawyers are assholes.
A man sitting in the corner shouts, I take offence to that!
The pissed-off guy asks him, Why? Are you a lawyer?
He replies, No, I'm an asshole.
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07/17/2012 07:52 PM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment . I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest........."
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07/18/2012 06:41 AM
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RiddleMe
Posts: 5810
Joined Forum: 07/21/2011
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This thread is like a history lesson on your multiple identities. heh
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07/21/2012 07:40 AM
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B4UAccuseMe
Posts: 1105
Joined Forum: 06/06/2012
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said: "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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10/06/2011 10:50 AM
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Brujo
Posts: 3488
Joined Forum: 04/22/2011
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One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
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Yo no estoy casado.
Pero mi esposa esta casada.
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