 08/01/2010 01:39 PM
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Beachcomber
Posts: 5292
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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Father Foley woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and as soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Foley headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
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08/04/2010 01:18 PM
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SATBCHSURFIN
Posts: 5606
Joined Forum: 08/29/2003
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Cajun Humor :
Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like a tall. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"
Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"
And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."
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"This is U.S. History. I see the globe right there"
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08/16/2010 06:07 AM
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Beachcomber
Posts: 5292
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"
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09/12/2010 09:21 AM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
?"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing!
But, enough about me, how's your day going?"
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09/12/2010 11:56 AM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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Stories about children can be soooo touching.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit in Minnesota."
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't?
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11/05/2010 06:02 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5692
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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11/05/2010 06:06 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5692
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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11/05/2010 06:29 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5692
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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Revenge of the blond:
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it To the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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11/05/2010 11:30 AM
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Marperro
Posts: 554
Joined Forum: 08/12/2003
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise.
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.
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Un lobo solomente
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11/05/2010 02:45 PM
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Burry
Posts: 6134
Joined Forum: 07/22/2003
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So how many goats head deep (high) is the hole?????????????????
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BurrysBreak
Inflation caused The BIG BANG...look it up!
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11/05/2010 06:17 PM
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Marperro
Posts: 554
Joined Forum: 08/12/2003
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Deep.....goat was high tied......
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Un lobo solomente
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11/06/2010 05:57 AM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
2. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
3. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
5. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
7. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
8. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, and drink it. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
13. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
14. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
15. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
16. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell!
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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11/12/2010 10:26 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5692
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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11/15/2010 01:15 PM
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tpapablo
Posts: 44345
Joined Forum: 07/25/2003
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am.
and is asked where he is going at
this time of night.
The man replies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks,
"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies,
"My wife."
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I :heart; Q
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11/15/2010 01:23 PM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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Originally posted by: tpapablo
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am.
Â
and is asked where he is going at
Â
this time of night.
The man replies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks,
"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Â
The man replies,
"My wife."
Â
Now that is funny!
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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12/16/2010 04:55 AM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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12/30/2010 06:12 AM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
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01/08/2011 10:22 AM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from
his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches...."
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01/08/2011 06:29 PM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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New Dictionary . . .
(Thanks to America's Public Schools)
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................... Back door to the cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section............ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan......................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Opposite of a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Damn near killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport or bus station
Tumor - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out
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02/23/2011 10:18 AM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
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02/23/2011 11:59 AM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5692
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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I myself am a card-carrying member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals).
Ron White has a great story:
His friend had become a vegetarian and is chastising Ron for not becoming one himself, "... with cow flatulence in the ozone layer, and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle. What are YOU doing to help the environment?" To which Ron replies, "I'm eating the cows..."
Then: "I didn't rise to the top of the @#$% food chain to eat carrots!"
And: "If God didn't want us to eat the animals, then why did he make them out of MEAT!?"
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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03/08/2011 02:08 PM
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somebodyelse
Posts: 6770
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006
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This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."
So I explained to her that my dogs are unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great country!
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03/08/2011 08:11 PM
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Streets
Posts: 4476
Joined Forum: 01/17/2011
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TODAY'S SIX PACK
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she answered.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
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03/09/2011 11:49 AM
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Streets
Posts: 4476
Joined Forum: 01/17/2011
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
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09/12/2010 11:57 AM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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(Duplicate post. Sorry.)
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08/16/2010 07:24 AM
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Beachcomber
Posts: 5292
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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At a West Virginia high school graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tom's entire senior class screams, "Let Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!"
The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance.
"If I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?" he asked.
Tom thought long and hard and then said: "ten."
The entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!"
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08/16/2010 09:36 AM
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SATBCHSURFIN
Posts: 5606
Joined Forum: 08/29/2003
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .. . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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"This is U.S. History. I see the globe right there"
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08/16/2010 11:42 AM
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kookyak
Posts: 65
Joined Forum: 03/16/2007
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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08/19/2010 12:48 PM
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johnnyboy
Posts: 25395
Joined Forum: 07/22/2003
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Two buddies are golfing and they get held up by a pair of women golfers in front of them. One of the guys suggests to the other that they ask the women if they can play through so as not to be held up. THe one golfer leaves and comes back somewhat abruptly and tells his buddy that he cannot ask the women golfers if he can play through because one is his mistress and the other is his wife. No problem, says the other golfer. He too returns somewhat abruptly and says "small world."
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"One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky.
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08/21/2010 09:48 AM
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Beachcomber
Posts: 5292
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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09/01/2010 02:08 AM
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SocialistSteve
Posts: 733
Joined Forum: 03/18/2010
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There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court.The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this...
"We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'
"I said, I never felt better in my life."
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09/14/2010 04:58 AM
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tahoe
Posts: 12687
Joined Forum: 08/18/2006
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A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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09/16/2010 01:54 PM
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turning japanese
Posts: 189
Joined Forum: 06/15/2006
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A penguin is having car problems and drops it off at the mechanic's on a hot day. He goes next door to get an ice cream cone while the car is getting checked out. After a bit, he goes back to the mechanic to see what the problem is.
The mechanic says "Hey man, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin wipes his mouth and says "No man, it's just ice cream."
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09/16/2010 02:15 PM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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Robot Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son! The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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09/17/2010 03:24 PM
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tahoe
Posts: 12687
Joined Forum: 08/18/2006
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
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09/20/2010 08:39 AM
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RustyTruck
Posts: 33596
Joined Forum: 08/02/2004
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My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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"Hey, where's Cricket?" - Kristi Noem's daughter.
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09/21/2010 05:46 PM
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JBSURF
Posts: 2125
Joined Forum: 10/11/2004
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A fat girl served me food in
McDonalds at lunch time, she said "Sorry about the wait," and I said,
"Don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually."
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I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid!
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09/01/2010 07:50 AM
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Beachcomber
Posts: 5292
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
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09/02/2010 03:37 PM
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Beachcomber
Posts: 5292
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
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09/03/2010 01:20 PM
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RustyTruck
Posts: 33596
Joined Forum: 08/02/2004
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Subject: Warning to all golfers
Buttercups and Golf Balls
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back,
'DON'T SWING, Fred, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
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"Hey, where's Cricket?" - Kristi Noem's daughter.
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09/06/2010 05:33 AM
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Beachcomber
Posts: 5292
Joined Forum: 03/10/2009
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A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
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09/06/2010 01:37 PM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: 'Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate..
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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09/08/2010 12:09 PM
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Pagerow
Posts: 5692
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005
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A fifth grade Teacher gave her class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said,
"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. Onetime we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big ump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs onetime, but when they hatched us only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
Johnny wildly raises his hand. Reluctantly, the teacher asks, "Yes, Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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GOP:
Gaslight
Obstruct
Project
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09/11/2010 08:21 AM
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thole
Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003
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You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
You don't even have to like 'em!
>
> We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve
>Party.
> We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
>our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
>
> We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
> The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the
>house.
>
> As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the
>yard, scoots back into the house.
> We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
>tries to eat the bird.
>
> My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside
>to get the cat.
> The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
> Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know
>that the house will be empty for the night.
> So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
> 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
>
> A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so
>long,' I said, as we drove away.
> 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
>her a$$ with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
> She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then,
>I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
> But it worked! I hauled her fat a$$ downstairs and threw
>her out into the back yard!
> She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!'
>
> The silence in the cab was deafening.
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Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
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