It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable. 

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?" 

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure. 

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"

Ham Sandwich

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"



-------------------------
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled

from age.

 

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him

to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

 

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.

 

The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.  A retired Marine fighter pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position.

 

The director wondered how to send him away.  They gave him a glass to drink.  The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a  Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  Low grade but acceptable."

 

"That's correct", said the boss.   "Another glass, please."

 

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.  Requires three more years for finest results."

 

"Absolutely correct.  A third glass."

 

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

 

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

 

The alcoholic tried it.  "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

“Can you start tomorrow?”, asked the boss.

A husband say to his wife.....  "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says...."I would take half of your winnings, then leave you forever."

"Excellent," he replies...."I won 12 bucks, here's your $6, now get the hell out."

Copy to follow (graphic wouldn't work)

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

 It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance.  I

intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this beautiful antique watch.

 It's a very special watch.  It's been in my family for six

generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its delicately polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly,

the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to

the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said Claude.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

-------------------------

We, the people of the State of Florida, being grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty, in order to secure its benefits, perfect our government, insure domestic tranquility, maintain public order, and guarantee equal civil and political rights to all, do ordain and establish this constitution.

Man walks into the Doctors office.

"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live"

"Ten" replies the Doctor.

"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine"

Edited: 03/09/2012 at 02:01 PM by MaloTurista

way to FAIL on the NO POLITICS rule for this part of the forum, streets-tawhore-bad tourist troll! 0/5 - and take a lap.

-------------------------
And Bob will ALWAYS be my numero uno. -Tiffanys

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

 

 

A salad shooter.

-------------------------

Yo no estoy casado.

Pero mi esposa esta casada.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Mega-sore-ass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Lick-a-lot-a-pus

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus. They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".

 

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... And he needed a loan, so....... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"



-------------------------
So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off.

The dali lama walks into a pizza shop and says "make me one with everything".


-------------------------
I AM IGNORANT of absolute truth. But I am humble before my ignorance and therein lies my honor and my reward.

"- Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam

WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE ON?   Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

 

 

 

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

 

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

 

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

 

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

 

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

 

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

 

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

 

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

 

The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The clerk replied……………………… "Because you're in Home Depot."

-------------------------

We, the people of the State of Florida, being grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty, in order to secure its benefits, perfect our government, insure domestic tranquility, maintain public order, and guarantee equal civil and political rights to all, do ordain and establish this constitution.

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, 'So, where yall from?'

The Yankee replies, 'I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.'

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, 'So, where yall from, bitch?'